I'm back?

It's been awhile. OK, it's been three years. So, why the post? I'm not sure. It's not like I have a lot to say. In fact, I've had quite the dry spell. How's that for an understatement? Anyway, the good news is I'm still holding on to God's hand, still get teary eyed when I think of Jesus' love for me, and still find myself fully aware of my need and desire for His presence in my life. At the same time I feel weaker and more "shell-like" than I've ever felt in my whole life.

Physically, I'm in pain... all the time. My muscles and joints hurt. It's not a sharp, intense pain. It's just there... throbbing, aching, gnawling. It sucks, but I'm not overwhelmed... today. Over the past year I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. In one way it was a relief because now I know why I've been feeling like crap for a number of years. On the other hand, I fully feel the frustration of the vagueness of this condition and the way it seems to disappear and reappear at will. This vagueness and the mud-like fatigue are almost worst than the physical pain for me. It causes me to doubt myself and wonder if this is all in my head, or maybe I'm just lazy.

Emotionally, I feel pretty disconnected. I don't like it because I use to be able to connect with people and pick up on their emotions. I was very thankful for that trait, and felt it was a gift from God. Where did it go? I feel like I've lost so many of my gifts. And now, I'm just left with a shell of my former self.

The worst part is how I see it affecting those closest to me... my family and friends. I see the hurt in their eyes as they see me not able to connect and then react in anger or pull back and become aloof.

My two strongest emotions in the last couple years have been depression and anger. I think, for the most part, it's because I feel like I've lost so much of who I thought I was. My dreams, my goals, my health... my, my, my. Maybe that's the point of this time in "my" life. I think instead of focusing on "my," I would be better off knowing that I am "His."

What does it mean to be a child of God... a child of grace? What does it mean to lose my sense of self? Is it a gift? Is it a curse? I wait for an answer. I wait while my muscles ache and twitch, I wait while I sit here writing and musing. So here I am, writing another entry on "Beyond Pretense." Here I am waiting for... ? What am I waiting for? Is it really an "answer?" No, I'm waiting for an encounter with God. I'm waiting to touch the nail prints in Jesus' hands and feet. I'm waiting to experience His presence... in the midst of my pain.

I don't know how long I'll be posting until I stop again. I guess I'll just take that one day at a time. Until then, I'll try to get on here from time to time. I don't know why, but maybe someday I'll find out. Either way, for now... I'm back.