I'm back?

It's been awhile. OK, it's been three years. So, why the post? I'm not sure. It's not like I have a lot to say. In fact, I've had quite the dry spell. How's that for an understatement? Anyway, the good news is I'm still holding on to God's hand, still get teary eyed when I think of Jesus' love for me, and still find myself fully aware of my need and desire for His presence in my life. At the same time I feel weaker and more "shell-like" than I've ever felt in my whole life.

Physically, I'm in pain... all the time. My muscles and joints hurt. It's not a sharp, intense pain. It's just there... throbbing, aching, gnawling. It sucks, but I'm not overwhelmed... today. Over the past year I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. In one way it was a relief because now I know why I've been feeling like crap for a number of years. On the other hand, I fully feel the frustration of the vagueness of this condition and the way it seems to disappear and reappear at will. This vagueness and the mud-like fatigue are almost worst than the physical pain for me. It causes me to doubt myself and wonder if this is all in my head, or maybe I'm just lazy.

Emotionally, I feel pretty disconnected. I don't like it because I use to be able to connect with people and pick up on their emotions. I was very thankful for that trait, and felt it was a gift from God. Where did it go? I feel like I've lost so many of my gifts. And now, I'm just left with a shell of my former self.

The worst part is how I see it affecting those closest to me... my family and friends. I see the hurt in their eyes as they see me not able to connect and then react in anger or pull back and become aloof.

My two strongest emotions in the last couple years have been depression and anger. I think, for the most part, it's because I feel like I've lost so much of who I thought I was. My dreams, my goals, my health... my, my, my. Maybe that's the point of this time in "my" life. I think instead of focusing on "my," I would be better off knowing that I am "His."

What does it mean to be a child of God... a child of grace? What does it mean to lose my sense of self? Is it a gift? Is it a curse? I wait for an answer. I wait while my muscles ache and twitch, I wait while I sit here writing and musing. So here I am, writing another entry on "Beyond Pretense." Here I am waiting for... ? What am I waiting for? Is it really an "answer?" No, I'm waiting for an encounter with God. I'm waiting to touch the nail prints in Jesus' hands and feet. I'm waiting to experience His presence... in the midst of my pain.

I don't know how long I'll be posting until I stop again. I guess I'll just take that one day at a time. Until then, I'll try to get on here from time to time. I don't know why, but maybe someday I'll find out. Either way, for now... I'm back.

seek first

Lately I've been reading through the Gospels. Right now I'm in the book of John. One of the things that really strikes me is the single-mindedness of Jesus towards His Father. It's incredible and challenging. Jesus's whole life was centered around His Father. His first thought wasn't, "What about me?" It was always, "What is the Father doing?" This "Father first" mentality is hardly seen in today's society and is scandalously evident in much of the modern church.

Could it be that in our (speaking of Christians) attempt to advance the Kingdom of God we've forgotten the King? Could be that instead of a kingdom built on the Rock of Jesus Christ we've been errecting a kingdom built on the sand of our desires?

Are we really living as children of the King or opportunists looking for a free meal?

a couple questions

Defensiveness is really an emotional form of self preservation. So why do I continue to be defensive? What do I feel I need defended from? Is the Father big enough to be my defender? Am I ready to lay down the walls and barbed wire fence for the surrounding arms of my loving Father? Will I give up my moat for a river of love that flows from the throne of my heart. These are just a couple questions swirling inside my head.

the extravagant Father

You know, I'm really glad God loves me. I know that sounds pretty cliche but it's true. You know, the neat thing about that is He knows everything about me --- and He still loves me. Now that's a loving father. He really is an extravagant father. He pours out unconditional love by the tanker load. He gives more than I'm able to receive at times. He's overwhelming.

How does one receive God's love and then give it away to others? That's what I want to do. I want to be able to pour out God's love to those around me. I want to be like my Father.

a word and a prayer

Verse from the Bible:
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. "
(Isaiah 26:3 ESV).

Prayer to God:
Father, help me to fix my eyes on you. Help me to trust in you and not on circumstances around or in me. Keep my mind in perfect peace. Give me an unshakable confidence in your love, protection, and goodness concerning me. Reveal to me who you are as my heavenly Father.

and the children shall lead them

This evening I challenged my two oldest children (who are voracious readers) to read 30 chapters of the Bible a week. Now for those of you who are not "Bible savy," the Bible contains 66 "books." Each book is broken down into chapter and verse. If I were to give the same challenge some of my adult Christian brothers and sisters, I would probably get responses like, "I don't have time to do that much reading." Others would see it as a legalistic burden. But my children's response --- "Is that all. Oh man I can do that in a day." Wow, truly Jesus knew what He was talking about when he said, "...and the children shall lead them."

rest?

Lately I've been feeling a little pooped. OK, I've been feeling a lot pooped. Anyway, I'm wondering, "What does it mean to 'rest in God?'" What does it mean to be "anxious for nothing"? I think for so long I've been so amped up in crisis mode that I've missed what it means to just lay back in the Father's arms. It seems so easy. I know when my youngest son, Noah, sits on my lap, he just sits there. He doesn't struggle or try to sit on my lap, he just --- sits there. How do I do that with my heavenly Father? How do I just ---- rest?